What the pandemic has taught me so far

on protecting the heart and forgiving the self…

2020 – I learned to accept love and be wooed with singing exclusively meant for only me to hear.

I learned to feel.

2021 – I learned to feel pain and be vulnerable as I was confronted by the reality that I can be 

replaced even after being told the words “I choose you.”.

I learned it’s okay. It’s okay to not be fought for. Because that will always be a choice 

someone will eventually make.

It’s not a loss if you learned something through it.

It’s interesting how my previous post was about moving on and three years after writing it, I had to relearn what I wrote in there. 😅 You can read it here.

It was around April 2020 that the start of lockdown in our province happened due to CoVID-19. In that same month I got confessed to by a close guy friend I’ve been consistently talking with for quite some time already. The courtship lasted for a year and a month. It was me who asked to end it since non-negotiables stayed unmet. It was a futile effort to keep the emotional intimacy when the pursuit of commitment fell short.

It may seem that I state those words nonchalantly. For what it’s worth, I can say I am now past the emotional turmoil that season has caused me. It was a quite the grieving process, to be honest. This blog has been witness to how inactive I have been in the dating scene. For a good ten years since my last relationship, I never seriously considered dating anyone until then. There was a lot of fear and of course, praying (and fasting) on my end since I wanted to do right by this time. I somehow had difficulty in adjusting to facing emotions that already seemed alien to me. All the kilig and the warmth of knowing someone was pining for me were a change of pace as compared to the mood I get from watching Peaky Blinders, Suits, Billions, and A Good Doctor. (I wasn’t a huge fan of KDrama so they kilig hype never got to me. lol)

I grieved because I knew I hurt a very good friend. Someone with whom I had lots of mutual interests with, from reading mythology, music, art appreciation, cooking…all the works of a good and well-founded friendship. I found it hard to forgive myself for what I had to do. It didn’t help that the friends that knew what went on commended me for making the right decision. Right decisions never felt good, do they?

I grieved because I knew I hurt a very good friend… I found it hard to forgive myself for what I had to do.

I grieved for myself as I questioned my decisions over and over. If only I chose not to entertain the confession, could I have saved the friendship?

I grieved for myself as I processed trauma from my previous relationship that I didn’t know I had. Lies that told me I was easily replaceable.

In all these, I held on to my Christian faith and it was what kept me afloat. I was secure in Christ’s placed value in me. I am redeemed and bought at a price.

I was redeemed and bought at a price.

Isaiah 43:1, 1 Corinthians 6:20

The support of my friends was God-sent.

The importance of community. I wouldn’t have made it through if it weren’t for the grace and support my friends provided for me. Whether or not all of them knew what I was going through at that time, their presence helped me be reminded that indeed, life goes on and will continue to go on. One of my playmates in Pokémon UNITE would jokingly say “Always forward, never back!” when it was time to clash. I kept that statement close. (And yes, I found a new niche of friends in a new MOBA game I currently enjoy.)

One of my closest friends kept a closer eye on me during the aftermath and was very much instrumental to where I am now. (shawtawt, lods! tinkyu xD) From looking for RPG games I would enjoy, whether it was just me watching him play or engaging me in co-op runs or whether it was just to race bikes in PokeMMO, to making sure I travelled and arrived safely whenever I did…the patience and grace you extended to me was a testament of God’s love for me. I am and will be forever grateful.

Don’t close your heart, self.

Sure it was a difficult season. There was a lot to be learned and re-learned and unlearned. What’s important is that you were able to go through it and out of it. What you gained from that season, you will be able to bring with you as you journey alongside others who run the race with you. Take heart!

until then I will wait on for someone who asks for my heart on bended knees,
in prayer

A song I had on loop while writing this post, shared to me by my accountability partner and best friend.

She writes at her blog, too!

Things I Wouldn’t Do

There’s a lot of things I wouldn’t do….for you..

because I like you too much.

       I like you too much that’s why I couldn’t find it in me to lead you on into thinking we’re both ready.

         I wouldn’t do the first move.

         I couldn’t go against God’s design because of you.

        I couldn’t cheat on you by asking for a part of your heart when mine’s not even whole to begin with. I couldn’t even ask for your attention even though I really want to. Trust me. God knows how much I’d wish I had your attention.

           On second thought, I wouldn’t want you distracted by me (or any other thing/person, for that matter but that goes without saying so yeah). I want you to finish whatever it is you have to before you begin to notice me. I need you to be ready when that time comes that God prompts you to pursue me because I heard it hits you hard…on all sides. In time, I’ll be ready too.

            So until then,

 
 

                        Whoever you are,

                                                                      wherever  you are right now,

                                    know that

                                                      there’s someone wanting

                                                                                                     but waiting.       🙂

yours by then,

burningcourage

holding up okay by God’s Grace alone

kung ‘di rin lang tayo: Moving On Is Possible

You know the song. You probably hear it everywhere, having heard it countless times on tv and in radios, or okay perhaps through your YouTube or Spotify playlists.

Maybe someone comes to mind whenever you hear the song. Especially in the chorus where the lyrics tell of preventing oneself from being in love again if in case that someone isn’t actually meant for you. And that’s where this blog update is going to springboard then dive from.

The lyrics are in the Filipino language which goes: “kung ‘di rin tayo sa huli, aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli”. More or less it translates to: “if we’re not going to end up together, I will prevent myself to love again”.
This actually bothers me. Quite more than I intend to give a bother about.

It saddens me to think that people actually go through experiences like that. That after they break up or say goodbye to someone, they will prevent themselves from giving love to another person again. I know, I know. It’s part of the healing process, y’know, taking a step back from relationships and all that. Trust me, I’ve been there. And I want to present a better option than closing oneself from love. I want you to know that you can love Someone else instead and that Someone is Jesus Christ. One of the personhood of the Tri-une Christian God. You can choose to direct your time and energy as well as your efforts to getting to know Him and what He chose to do for you. On the cross.

Wherever you are right now, whether you think you’re broken or not, God chose to redeem you through His son Jesus. This is the gift of eternal life.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not. perish but may have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

“I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life.” (1 John 5:13)

It’s up to you to decide if you’re going to accept what God is offering you to personally have.

Take heart. There is freedom in Christ.

Only after one knows Jesus will one be able to love anyone else again. I’m writing all these because I want you to hope on a love that is eternal.

So that next time, when you exchange goodbyes, you can wave back and wish the other person well.

The right love is right around the next bend.

LAUNDRY TODAY or naked tomorrow: A Blog Update on Self-Acclaim

A friend of mine would often note, “you’re very much like a mom”. He says that in a neutral tone so i couldn’t really tell if he means that as a compliment or as a cringe-y sentiment.

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I’ve been at my lola’s house for the past few days and my cousins’ parental units along with their youngest are in CDO for NMRAA. Basically, i had a lot of opportunities to serve the family and i took them (well, most of them. i think ). There were four of us in the house: my two cousins and our lola. We also had a dog and several consistent stray cats in the backyard. This morning got me thinking how much i enjoyed cooking and doing the dishes for them. For the last three days, i cooked meals and occasionally burnt the rice. i also made cucumber-carrot smoothies every dinner. Not just out of duty but the out-of-love type. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t intend to seem “self-righteous”. Lately just felt…good. I’d like to believe that’s something.

Perhaps i’m posting this to celebrate a milestone. Remember Proverbs 31? *wink wink*

Anyhow, heads up, self. You’re getting there. You deserve a pat on the shoulder. 🙂

p.s.

i took a photo of the machine while doing the laundry at a shop earlier. the mirror selfie was unintentional but the shot turned out to be nice. XD

 

“Oh, stop being too Christian.”

Mulling over a conversation I had with a friend. That one “Christian” friend who’d label you as “too Christian”.

Thinking back to the conversation I had amuses me now. Amusing how being honest with someone you supposedly share the same faith with would reward you with judgment. (Yup. These kind of stuff still happens. Even among Christian circles. We’re all still in our bent humanoid forms. -_-) Little does my friend know that I’m getting a lot from our conversations. Profound stuff. So yeah, a little disclaimer before I proceed: this entry won’t be about dating or courtship, just in case you were expecting. 

I played it around in my head and I was able to process some bits of the conversation. We are being “conscious Christians”. Years of seemingly living the faith out and we begin thinking we got everyone figured out while being too detached than we ought to be. (As subtle as it is, there’s still pride rearing its ugly head.) We become scared of offending our “un-Christian” friends that we begin to tiptoe around them even to the point of diluting our Christian spirituality. Well, I’ve come to realize that it shouldn’t and should never be that way. Watered down Christianity is no Christianity at all.

I guess there just comes a point when we forget that it’s all about obedience and submission. Obedience to the Word and submission to the Holy Spirit’s leading. We forget that the “living it out” and “witnessing to others” are mere overflows out of those two. We forget that we are only truly alive when we fix our eyes on our audience of One. We live for God alone and not for people. I believe that if we make only Christ-likeness as the goal, even our “Christian” friends would remember that grace makes the ground level at the foot of the Cross.

 

here to burn right,

burningcourage

Skylantern: A Letter For My Father

I’m writing this letter more for my sake than yours, Pang. (It’s a bit too selfish, I know. But please, allow me tonight. Dear reader, do keep reading at your own volition. This is a letter to my late dad whom I’m trying to keep alive in my memories by writing.)

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A day before your birthday, I asked a friend: how does one celebrate the dead? To which said friend replied, “Oh, for your dad?”. It seemed more statement than query. I merely smiled. A reply my friend couldn’t have seen from his side of the phone. He then proceeded to tell me how I can do rituals like light a candle then talk to you until the candle burns out. I told him I didn’t think I have enough words to last a candle. He said, “Write, because you are not the talking type, you are the writing type.” (Again, I am stereotyped. XD ) I couldn’t care less so I let him rant on about what else I can do for you on your day. I was trying to process how these “rituals” are more of a therapy for those who are left in the physical realm. A consolation to appease the loneliness felt. Also inside my head, such thoughts were running around chasing each other along with a few others. Your birthday and death day are just three days apart from each other. Would it be better to celebrate in the middle day? How would I go about it? I need to be at school on your death day. Will I be able to get through it without casualty? 

I spent today at school. We surprised a classmate celebrating her birthday. 🙂 I brought the cake with me by noon. I added a trinket and candles. Then surprised her along with my other classmates. She’s become a close friend, dad. You’d have liked her if you met her. She’d be one of those friends you’d look for and ask about. We danced together at this one competition. She’s a great dancer. She also knows her way around music and the guitars. (And beatbox, too.) She’s a fan of my handwriting, apparently. And also my sketches. Both skills, I got from you and mom (but mostly you, I guess XD ). I was really rooting for a happy memory today.

Earlier than that, I stayed up the night before until around 6am this morning for our thesis data analysis. Also, I was up talking online with another friend who sent me a GIF with Timon and Pumba in it (among a barrage of other GIFs). I was reminded of my first cinema experience with you and mom. Then the teasing about how you were Timon and mom was Pumba. It’s a golden childhood memory among many others. :p I couldn’t stop thinking about you since May rolled in. I guess I really missed you that much. I couldn’t help it. Five years does not change the fact that I’m still a daddy’s girl. You are and will always be home to me, Pang. I hope your soul’s doing fine. Don’t worry about me. You’ve taught me well during the 20 years we’ve spent together. Also (and most importantly), I have my Heavenly Father to rely on. That will be more than enough. And I guess that ends my sky lantern for this year, dad. Like I told my friend, I do not have much words to burn out a candle.

I have and will continue to keep you with me. My left ring finger still wears a constant reminder. I am my Father’s daughter.

burning to keep you with me,

Ploy-ploy

lousy lettering -_- this photo should have featured my ring as well. ohwell.

p.s.

I was thinking that this post is too personal.

p.p.s.

Then I realized that this blog was supposed to be.

Cheers!

Oh! Happy Day!

Looking back at my most recent post on this site, it’s been more than a year since I last updated and to be honest? I’m kinda more anxious than exhilarated at finally doing this post. Trust me, over the past months, I’ve tried writing drafts. Typed in my mobile notepad, even wrote down in my planner. It’s been two planners and a full mobile reset since then. Forgive my inactivity and yes, thank you for the patience (and the prayers, I suppose). I need those. Do bear with me as I try to find my voice again here as I type along in the wee hours of the Resurrection morn.

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As would have expected, a lot has transpired during my period of inactivity on this blog. I got a diploma and I’m already a thesis away from another one. And of course, I had already finished my OJT which I did somewhere in Luzon. I went and trekked mountains, camped out, conversed under a canopy of stars and, greeted sunrises. I also met wonderful, beautiful people. It does do one well to go on adventures. I need one every now and then. And if I can’t, I try to stretch myself to my limits wherever I am. Physically. It can get straining and draining but that’s the point. The routine gets to me and I feel stagnant despite doing a lot of things. I am still trying to understand how I am hardwired by God and goodness knows how I hope to please Him despite not making sense of much at all.

Much of my reason why I go to climbs is to get away from the hustle of the daily grind and the toxins of the city life and the relationships I need to get far away from for the meantime. Simply, I go away to detach.  I was never meant for mere comfort and I know it.

The recent weeks got me thinking how long I’ve already been in this Christian spirituality and there’s still so much to learn. Emphasis on the so much. I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong. I know this is the real deal. It’s just that, I think I’m lagging behind my years. I dunno. I’m still trying to figure this all out, where I’m at. My best friend tells me I know better than he does. And we’re both pretty much aware at how reckless I can be even with already knowing too much. I’m a danger to myself, really. Good thing, Jesus Christ has got me covered. I couldn’t imagine where I’d be without Him being alive again on what we commonly know now as Easter Sunday. Basically my reason for doing this update today out of all days. It couldn’t be stalled anymore. That day in between has come to past, waiting is over. Today, many years ago, is the day my Lord and Saviour has risen. I guess it is the ultimate throwback. XD #SentiSunday would be in Christ’s posts if He had social media. And I bet all His followers would be tagged.

If only this were as easy as a game, I’d long have tapped and tagged you already.

Tag! You’re IT!

‘It’ being Christ’s. 

Perhaps He’s already tagged you. You just wouldn’t own up to it.

trying to burn more than just embers,

burningcourage

P.S.

If you’re wondering what that text in the photo means, here: Pascha.  It is good to know stuff in context. 😉

…of discipleship and Timothies.

for you and for everyone else in our Dgroup (and for anyone who might benefit from reading this)

Setting an Example : Submission

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you. (Hebrews 13:17)

One time during an intimate DGroup meeting (there were only three of us that time), one of the girls in my group started to say something but was obviously hesitant about it. “Te, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you..” she trailed as she cast her eyes on her hands that were playing on her lap. I, already hooked and intrigued and concerned, told her, “Sure! What is it? You know you can trust us.” She was clearly bothered and it increased my concern, I tried to lighten up the mood by jokingly asking “Can you give us a hint? What’s the genre? School? Heart matters? Lovelife? Is it about your boyfriend?” I was already piqued but she wouldn’t budge yet. She tried stalling for time and even telling us to forget about it or that maybe she’d just tell us next time when she’s ready. She wasn’t normally like this so I pressed her on telling her we are not under law but under grace. After a few more minutes of encouraging and coaxing, she decided to type it on her buddy’s phone and have the other tell it to me. There was a pause as the other girl in the group read the typed message and thought how to tell it to me. I was already on the edge of my seat anticipating what the two were already on to. “Te, she wants to ask why you glared at kuya last Monday during the meeting…” ….

It took me a moment to recall what they were referring to and it hit me. We are under Grace indeed! What was something I merely shrugged off was something that caused someone to stumble (and my DGroup member at that). I was convicted since she also mentioned that she brought it up because she remembered the Sunday service message that morning (we met on Sunday afternoon). It was about hating someone therefore, murdering them in your mind (of which, I shall talk about in another post, hopefully 😀 ). I actually didn’t mind that tiny detail or reaction that I had but God used a mentee to keep me accountable regarding my attitude towards those in authority even in the youth ministry I’m serving at. I am so blessed that God used that moment to humble me and to remind me through her.

To clear things up, I apologized to both girls for my apparent failure in exhibiting joyful service and submission. I also told them to continue keeping me accountable in that area since it’s one of those that I struggle with the most. I also made it a point to apologize to the person in authority, a co-servant in the ministry. It wasn’t easy for pride was always in the way. I had to kick pride aside so I could proceed to compose with my text apology using the right words. He didn’t reply but I assumed he got my text. :3

A few Mondays later and another girl affirmed and complimented me regarding my disposition towards that same person. She was also a co-volunteer to whom I have opened up way back months ago regarding my struggles about submission to authority (particularly guys). She said she was happy to see me being nearly best buds with my co-servant. 😀 I high-fived her during the meeting and whispered, “Praise God!” 🙂

Truly, I couldn’t have done it on my own knowing how easily annoyed I could get. It is very much reassuring to know that God is truly in the business of transforming me. 🙂

Nicole trying to hide behind Niña for fear that I might get mad at her for saying such thing ( or nahh..she’s just tryna be cute :p )

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our Sundate DGroup

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trade my passion for Your glory

passion for glory