on protecting the heart and forgiving the self…
2020 – I learned to accept love and be wooed with singing exclusively meant for only me to hear.
I learned to feel.
2021 – I learned to feel pain and be vulnerable as I was confronted by the reality that I can be
replaced even after being told the words “I choose you.”.
I learned it’s okay. It’s okay to not be fought for. Because that will always be a choice
someone will eventually make.
It’s not a loss if you learned something through it.
It’s interesting how my previous post was about moving on and three years after writing it, I had to relearn what I wrote in there. 😅 You can read it here.
It was around April 2020 that the start of lockdown in our province happened due to CoVID-19. In that same month I got confessed to by a close guy friend I’ve been consistently talking with for quite some time already. The courtship lasted for a year and a month. It was me who asked to end it since non-negotiables stayed unmet. It was a futile effort to keep the emotional intimacy when the pursuit of commitment fell short.
It may seem that I state those words nonchalantly. For what it’s worth, I can say I am now past the emotional turmoil that season has caused me. It was a quite the grieving process, to be honest. This blog has been witness to how inactive I have been in the dating scene. For a good ten years since my last relationship, I never seriously considered dating anyone until then. There was a lot of fear and of course, praying (and fasting) on my end since I wanted to do right by this time. I somehow had difficulty in adjusting to facing emotions that already seemed alien to me. All the kilig and the warmth of knowing someone was pining for me were a change of pace as compared to the mood I get from watching Peaky Blinders, Suits, Billions, and A Good Doctor. (I wasn’t a huge fan of KDrama so they kilig hype never got to me. lol)
I grieved because I knew I hurt a very good friend. Someone with whom I had lots of mutual interests with, from reading mythology, music, art appreciation, cooking…all the works of a good and well-founded friendship. I found it hard to forgive myself for what I had to do. It didn’t help that the friends that knew what went on commended me for making the right decision. Right decisions never felt good, do they?
I grieved because I knew I hurt a very good friend… I found it hard to forgive myself for what I had to do.
I grieved for myself as I questioned my decisions over and over. If only I chose not to entertain the confession, could I have saved the friendship?
I grieved for myself as I processed trauma from my previous relationship that I didn’t know I had. Lies that told me I was easily replaceable.
In all these, I held on to my Christian faith and it was what kept me afloat. I was secure in Christ’s placed value in me. I am redeemed and bought at a price.
I was redeemed and bought at a price.
Isaiah 43:1, 1 Corinthians 6:20
The support of my friends was God-sent.
The importance of community. I wouldn’t have made it through if it weren’t for the grace and support my friends provided for me. Whether or not all of them knew what I was going through at that time, their presence helped me be reminded that indeed, life goes on and will continue to go on. One of my playmates in Pokémon UNITE would jokingly say “Always forward, never back!” when it was time to clash. I kept that statement close. (And yes, I found a new niche of friends in a new MOBA game I currently enjoy.)
One of my closest friends kept a closer eye on me during the aftermath and was very much instrumental to where I am now. (shawtawt, lods! tinkyu xD) From looking for RPG games I would enjoy, whether it was just me watching him play or engaging me in co-op runs or whether it was just to race bikes in PokeMMO, to making sure I travelled and arrived safely whenever I did…the patience and grace you extended to me was a testament of God’s love for me. I am and will be forever grateful.
Don’t close your heart, self.
Sure it was a difficult season. There was a lot to be learned and re-learned and unlearned. What’s important is that you were able to go through it and out of it. What you gained from that season, you will be able to bring with you as you journey alongside others who run the race with you. Take heart!
in prayer
A song I had on loop while writing this post, shared to me by my accountability partner and best friend.
She writes at her blog, too!
knick and knacks 